


touch, don't touch

by ShatteredEpiphany



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Experimental writing, M/M, Magical Realism, Oikawa Angst Fest 2k17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 10:23:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9815573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredEpiphany/pseuds/ShatteredEpiphany
Summary: Maybe there’s a reason humans aren’t allowed to truly know and feel anything but their own emotions?It’s suffocating, almost overflowing.// AU where Oikawa feels the emotions others feel towards him through touch





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jya/gifts).



> dedicated to my fave and inspiration, R <3

The first time it takes him over without any warning.

The first time he doesn’t fully understand what is happening. Not really. He’s still too young.

The hand he’s clinging to is rough, but comforting. The words accompanying are harsh, but Tooru feels it deep inside of him that the intent and emotion behind them are anything but. He doesn’t even know where the knowledge comes from.

It’s just flashes of warmth and trickles of clear fondness in his chest. It’s not strange in itself to feel those things when grasping the hands of your closest friend. It is strange, however, to later understand that those feelings are not your own.

-

It happens again and again.

Over the years it gets stronger too.

His mother always hugs him in the morning before school and some days the tidal wave of love crashes into him so hard it almost knocks him off his feet.

It’s not like he has ever doubted her love for him, it shows in every effort she makes for him, but this kind of clear realization is more proof than he’s ready to deal with.

_Maybe there’s a reason humans aren’t allowed to truly know and feel anything but their own emotions?_

It’s suffocating, almost overflowing.

Tooru feels like a freak.

-

If the positive emotions can be suffocating, then the negative ones are strangling.

The first time he meets somebody that absolutely despises him, it takes hours afterwards to calm the foreign dark emotions swirling inside and even after that they linger.

It’s just a practice match.

He’s not sure why or what he has done to inspire something like this in the opposite team’s setter, but there it is. As soon as they shake hands after the game is done, he feels it.

A black mass of hate. A mass that overshadows his pride of victory.

That day, Tooru learns that people can hate without reason, they can hate deeply and most of all he learns that they can hate him.

And then it’s only a step away from learning to hate himself.

-

With these seeds of self-hatred sown, he enters the last year of middle school.

He meets the new genius first year setter. His replacement is here.

For the first time Tooru is convinced that he will learn nothing by touching or getting to know the other. He thinks, he assumes, he already knows it all.

It sends him on a downward spiral.

Of wanting to get better, but watching another with less experience achieve it all much faster.

His best friend is still there through it all, but Tooru pulls back. He doesn’t want foreign emotions intruding even if they would comfort him. They’re more suffocating than ever and he needs to focus. He can’t be distracted.

He refuses to touch anyone.

It all comes crashing down when the genius approaches him late one night after practice, when Tooru is the most high strung. The black mass of hate, that he has now started to cultivate himself, rises up and he sees nothing until his hand strikes and leaves a clear red imprint on the younger’s face.

It’s just a momentary contact. But it’s enough. Tooru blinks staggering and falling to the floor in a heap.

Pure admiration, want and need to be acknowledged, sincerity. Now tainted with fear. All because of him.

The younger runs out.

Tears are dripping down Tooru’s face. The sorrow is all his.

-

It’s his best friend that finally knocks some sense into him. Literally.

Tooru figures he deserves it, he can’t forgive himself for tainting purity. He’s almost afraid he will taint this too.

His best friend doesn’t get tainted though. Tooru can’t make sense of it, but he can only feel the same blazing warmth and affection towards him as always. Even if the touch that the feelings can be felt through forms bruises on his face.

His best friend pulls him close again afterwards, the embrace speaking a thousand words, and he learns that he doesn’t have to do things alone.

That, maybe, what he has is a gift. To know for sure that he has that perfect trust with somebody and to not have to doubt it.

The black mass inside retreats.

He apologizes.

-

Tooru starts using his gift to the fullest potential in high school.

It’s odd after fighting it for so long, but it’s also exhilarating in a sense.

He gets to know his team in and out, gets to know everything they feel and desire. The bond they form because of it feels unbreakable.

Tooru thinks himself invincible, if only for a moment.

-

But darkness is everywhere.

Tooru already knows that what a person displays on the outside rarely matches what’s going on inside.

If anything, he’s somebody that has first-hand experience with it.

That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get surprised once in a while as the years go by.

The girls that follow him around to every game and almost every practice, Tooru fools himself into thinking that he understands them.

It’s only when he gets accosted by one of them after a long practice that he realizes how wrong he is. There’s nothing to indicate it on the outside, but her touch stings with obsession and desires that make Tooru feel sick.

It’s the first time he doesn’t just feel, but sees as well.

Sees her inner thoughts play out in his own mind.

As soon as he can shake her off he retreats to the locker rooms to take a long shower.

He feels dirty.

_Innocence is a mask often worn by the worst of people._

Tooru isn’t sure if he wants to always see through it.

-

His most confusing encounters with other’s emotions, though, are definitely whenever he comes in contact with his rival. The one person that, aside from the genius, always pushed him to meet his limits.

He thinks he knows people by now. He thinks he can figure out anyone from a single touch. Good and bad.

But his rival’s intentions towards him are empty. Just like his face, they are blank. In all the years of knowing the other, there has never been anything there.

Tooru can’t make sense of it and it weighs on him.

Sometimes he wonders if his power is faulty somewhere, he even makes sure to cling onto his best friend often, just to make sure, but that touch has never lost its intensity, not even for a second.

It must be something about his rival.

Tooru has learnt his lesson from the genius, so instead of blindly assuming and hating, he seeks out his rival.

He wants to understand, he wants to know what the one person that apparently doesn’t feel anything for him is thinking.

-

He finds him after their latest inter high match, Tooru’s team lost against his, but oddly enough it doesn’t bother him much.

He’s determined, so he corners the other and asks him directly.

What do you think of me?

Something that he has never had to ask anyone in his whole life. But there it is. And somehow it feels like a breath of fresh air.

His rival seems confused.

Tooru counts that as a victory. It’s an emotion. He hadn’t sensed it, of course, but he had seen it on his face. It’s still something.

His rival’s reply, however, shatters his world.

I like you.

-

They meet again and again.

Tooru can’t get it out of his head. That confession-like statement. Because it makes no sense to him, but he’s curious.

He’s curious, but he’s also scared. Because he can’t feel anything from Wakatoshi, he can’t make sure if it’s true.

He’s also scared that at some point he will feel it and that Wakatoshi’s true intentions will be something completely different. He’s been hurt before.

His best friend warns him of getting hurt too.

For some reason or another, he still takes the leap.

-

It’s late at night, they’re together in the small apartment that Tooru rents not too far from the university they now attend together. Tooru listens to Wakatoshi’s heartbeat.

Sometimes I can feel what other people are feeling.

He lets the words that have never been spoken aloud free.

Wakatoshi’s heart skips a beat.

What does that mean?

Tooru doesn’t know how to reply. It’s just something he’s always dealt with alone, it’s been a part of him for so long, yet nobody else knew of it. Not even his best friend, though he probably guessed at least some of it.

I can’t feel you.

It sounds bad, like something is broken.

But it isn’t really. Tooru and Wakatoshi fit together like two puzzle pieces and Wakatoshi lets him know how he feels through his actions. Words too, on the rare occasion.

We’re not broken.

Wakatoshi echoes his thoughts and Tooru smiles.

-

Tooru thinks that that’s the end of it, but then it comes to him in a dream.

The feeling is reminiscent of the time he saw what the other person felt for him. But if that had left him feeling dirty, this makes him feel the complete opposite.

Pure.

They’re together. Standing on the university court like always. Sweat dripping, exhaustion palpable. The emotions swirl around him. He catches only wisps of them.

Admiration. Desire. Longing. Happiness. Jealousy. Trust.

Tooru isn’t overwhelmed. The emotions stay there in the dreamscape. They don’t crowd and suffocate his own.

And then he sees it like watching from a distance. The two of them on the Olympic courts, winning one match after another.

Wakatoshi’s pride slams into him with full force.

He feels arms tighten around him, but he’s no longer sure if it’s dream or reality. He’s stuck in the limbo in between.

In the end, Wakatoshi’s love pulls him out of it.

**Author's Note:**

> I have always been fascinated with magical realism in fics, so here's my erratic and unedited attempt at it, hope at least some people found this enjoyable to read.  
> Let me know!
> 
>  
> 
> hmu @ [tumblr](http://mingohomo.tumblr.com/)  
> [writing side blog](https://shattered-epiphany.tumblr.com/)


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